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thank you body.

>:|

I do not DO panic! I don’t do nervous breakdowns! We discussed this already! Stoppit! I can HANDLE all of this! I CAN DO IT AND HAVE BEEN AND WILL.

So let’s see…

1. Mom’s been fighting Diverticulitis since November. Parents don’t have income or insurance so not like she can go to the doctor or to the hospital. It got worse recently so we finally took her to the hospital so that’s been abated for now
2. like I said. Parents have no income. I work a dead end job that’ll put me in the grave before 30 so I can’t support a family who runs off of a $40/hr income. Thanks to my dad all that’s botched.
3. Mortgage is 3 months late
4. handful of bills are likely going unpaid
5. only income is from dad’s home business that isn’t making as much as he claims
6. and of course my $11/hr job
7. grandma’s dying of cancer. Now this… I’m a terrible person but I frankly do not care. Mom keeps telling me I should call her but I don’t want my last memory to be her nagging on my weight or how I don’t have a boyfriend or husband yet.  But it is bugging both my aunt and mother so I’m worried on their behalf
8. co-worker isn’t exactly helping with my stress… She’s sort of taking the stance of “Well everyone’s got problems kid, so shut the hell up because yours are no different”. Which sucks cause I used to like the old girl…
9. Boss is a tyrant as always. Nothing changed, just getting worse. Practically saying I’m ready to quit with or without a back up plan. Too cowardly to do something to outright be fired.
10. Got into a few spats recently with friends because.. well. I’ve gotten into a new fandom that I care a lot about. So the others have taken a back seat because I ran them to the ground. Problem? These friends I have now either rrefuse to give the fandom a try or they have and aren’t taken with it. And they’re getting upset over my obsession. Not sure how to approach this because… it’s showing they don’t really like me no matter what. So I’m pulling away for now.
11. One of those friends I refuse to talk to.
12. Another friend, separate from those above, seems to be… mad at me and I don’t know why cause they never say anythign to me and I just hear things through the grapevine.
13. My future is on rough rocks right now because plans I made for getting out of the house may not happen. Either cause of the person I made plans with might pull out for verygood reasons that I would support 100% and simply for the fact that she would benefit greatly from the opportunity (not just me) or because I won’t have the money to do it so soon. But right now, she needs to make a choice and tell me…
14. it’s also rough because of the chance of losing the house also means my mom might just move to California with my Aunt but… Well mom doesn’t like the area and Aunt can’t get a job up here more than likely. So someone’s gotta give. And either way I’ll probably be out on my own but struggling if things happen faster than I’m anticipating. I’m… not sure where to turn if that happens because I can’t… I can’t move down to california. And I won’t stay with my father… So I might have to borrow a cardboard box and hope the rain won’t wash me away. Cause I don’t want to ask my friends to house me, that’s not fair to them.

So in a nutshell? Stress.

Right now just.. let me be okay? I’m trying to get enjoyment from the things I can because I don’t want to deal with this stress. There’s a glimmer or two of hope and faith, like going on a date with a nice guy or just having some really wacky cooky new pals that seem intent on making me laugh everyday whether I want to or not.

I need what I can get cause if I can’t get it…. I’m getting unstable enough to do irreversible actions.

and it’s like the fucking Hulk. Sweet and kind and scared and crying one minute

next I swear I’m going to fucking rip out the throat of the next person who talks to me.

And worst of all? Since last night I’ve wanted nothing more than to stick a pistol in my mouthand pull the trigger.

I’m not happy. I’m not even close.

Do yourself a favor, and back up.

Most of the time I can pretty much imagine the scene in my head and say “Yeah, that’s how it goes. All right now remember that and write it down.” But there’s one thing I can’t imagine right: Fighting scenes. Especially with swords! So I usually have to pick up a long sword-like instrument(yardstick, cane, whatever!) and re-enact the scenes and actions to get a clear view of the logical and tactical next step.

I’ve never had formal training in swordplay, just anything and everything I gained from fighting with Cody while growing up. I’ll admit, he’s a better fighter than I am because he’s lighter on his feet and more rapid. A lot like an Air element where as I’m heavy, slower, and more grounded like the earth.

I actually miss those days and wouldn’t mind taking lessons in sword fighting. Not fencing but actually sword play would be fun.

Out take because my cat photobombed me… GDI Meena

Looks! Fatty McFatters did a closet cosplay!

guys…

I’m not allowed to have a camera.

uhhhInflationgenderswapMerlingo?

just… asdhklfhkjdlafjdfskjfhljfksf

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I want to change so much because I’m such a failure…

things I’d want to change:

• Do better in school. Instead of spending the last 7 years trying not to drop out
• Go against my parents and be adamant about being a baker early in life instead of letting them talk me out of it just cause it’s “hard physical work”
• actually start off going to culinary school instead ofwasting5 years of my life in accounting
• ignore my grandmother’s goading when I was 5 that I was “too skinny” and needed to “eat more” and consequently not let myself get 100+ lbs over weight.
• try to have kept the hungarian language in my repetoire.

Things I wouldn’t have changed:

• Being brutually betrayed by a friend. I wouldn’t change it because I wouldn’t have met the people I love now.

the-monsterass:

Good lord…

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